Paly ABC - TIRED.

The first years of a child's life, raising a child who is ill or with developmental challenges involve tremendous physical and mental effort. A night's rest is no longer enough to adequately recover. Even more so, there may simply not be enough sleep or, through frequent wake-ups, its quality is not sufficient.

The fatigue we experience from time to time does not take away the joy of life or make it difficult for us to feel pleasant emotions. This may happen at the time when fatigue is at its strongest, but after resting, we recover again. However, if you're overtired every day, can't recover and are less motivated to do anything from day to day, it's most likely not just fatigue anymore.

Exhaustion and a sense of strain mostly affects the primary caregiver. Although fathers are increasingly taking on childcare responsibilities year after year, taking parental or parental leave, mothers are still most often in this role, and are therefore the ones at risk of chronic fatigue or parental burnout. What's more, actively combining a professional role with childcare increases the risk of exhaustion by as much as four times compared to parents who are professionally active, however, shy away from childcare. The Covid-19 pandemic and the associated work-from-home situation has prompted researchers from around the world to take a deeper look at this issue.

However, whether we are in a pandemic period or not, intensive care of a little one is simply difficult. Taking care of physiological needs, responding to cries, resolving conflicts, dealing with various more or less demanding matters takes a toll not only physically, but also emotionally. Many of us often put the child's needs above our own. There is nothing surprising in this - being alone with the child we want to take the best care of him and make sure that he develops properly. An infant or young child is not able to take care of itself properly, therefore, the onus is on us to take care of the child's physiological and emotional needs. In the flurry of responsibilities, it escapes us that we also need to take care of ourselves so that we can better respond to the child's needs. And if we are well aware that we are neglecting ourselves, we often simply lack the time, space and external support to take such action. For burnout is not only contributed to by stress, but also by a lack of resources to cope with it.

When, after a long day, you want to be alone and all you dream about is an hour of silence, peace and quiet and that, finally, no one touches you, that means you know what you need and what helps you recuperate. However, when the desire to escape from your life and the dream of cutting yourself off from the entire outside world intensifies, plus you find it increasingly difficult to take care of your child because you simply don't have the strength and every duty brings you despair, a sense of helplessness and hopelessness, you are probably experiencing burnout.

This is where a bubble bath or a trip to the hairdresser won't help. A weekend to yourself (if one happens at all) won't solve the problem either, because months or years of overload can't be alleviated with two slower days. What's more, you may find it even more painful to return to everyday life, because you will experience strongly how much rest you need and how much you miss it. So, if you're at this point in your life, and on the golden advice to get up before the baby to drink coffee or read a book in peace you get white fever or think "what's wrong with me, that it's not working for me" know that everything is fine with you, you're just experiencing so much fatigue that no makeshift solutions simply have a chance to work. It's like putting a Band-Aid on an extensive lacerated wound. It won't help.

In the case of parenthood burnout, another aspect comes to the surface that is not present in the case of job burnout. After all, a job can be changed, one can leave it, one can take a vacation. We are constantly with the child, and without the ability to divide care among several people, adequate recovery is something difficult to do.

Chronic parenting stress leads to physical, mental and emotional exhaustion, which does not go unnoticed when caring for a child. A parent experiencing this condition may distance himself or herself from the child, become easily irritated and angry, and avoid tenderness toward the child, which is an essential part of normal development. Thoughts such as "I love my child, but I can no longer bear to be in his company" also come to the fore, and are often followed by feelings of guilt, shame and criticizing oneself for thinking such a thing at all.

What accompanies burnout is also a frequent sense of confusion, isolation and misunderstanding. A parent who is a child's primary caregiver often feels lonely. It would seem that being with another person day in and day out, we cannot be lonely. However, a relationship with a child is not the same as a relationship with another adult. Here we are focused on giving rather than receiving, which simply depletes our resources. To replenish them we need the support and understanding of a relationship with another adult. When taking care of a child, we give a lot from ourselves, follow him, try our best to respond to his needs. Often we have to guess what is going on, remain calm in the face of the child's difficult emotions, and show him the world and teach him new things every day. At the same time, we can't expect the child to take care of us, because that's not his role.

The gap between what kind of parents we are and what kind of parents we were or would like to be intensifies suffering and causes shame. With increasing fatigue and burnout, this contrast becomes stronger and stronger, and breaking the vicious cycle very difficult. We know how we would like to react, but the sense of being trapped in a situation and the lack of prospects for improvement can lead to child neglect and aggressive behavior that we never wanted to allow, and on a rational level we oppose such reactions to children.

Unfortunately, there are no quick tips to help with chronic fatigue or burnout. However, this does not mean that nothing can be done. It will, however, take some time to get to balance. The first step you can take today toward better well-being is to do daily, even very small and minor acts of kindness to yourself/yourself. This at first may not be something simple and easy at all, because in addition to so many things to do, there may be a goblin in the form of reprehensible thoughts rumbling in your head that you failed again, yelled, rebuked unpleasantly, did not hug... Well, then, why should you do something kind to yourself when there are so many things in you to change and improve? This is why.

A person who feels bad has no desire or strength to do better. He is firmly in his suffering and pain. However, if you slowly make space for the fact that you can make mistakes, you can feel bad, you can fail to complete 100% of the things on your to-do list, you will increase the chance that you will feel a little better and have more desire to face everyday life. This will translate into more kindness and understanding towards your child and yourself.

Support from others also plays a big role in the recovery process - both the emotional one and the tangible one involving actual relief from responsibilities. Asking for help or accepting it when someone offers it does not come easily to many people. However, what largely contributes to burnout is precisely loneliness and the desire to carry everything on one's shoulders. Sometimes it will be necessary to implement medications from a psychiatrist or enter psychotherapy. This, too, is fine, as it is an expression of taking care of oneself. It is worth taking advantage of this form of help.

Sources of knowledge and inspiration that led to this article:

• Broadway B., Mendez S., Moschion J. (2020) Behind closed doors: the surge in mental distress of parents
• Mikolajczak M. et al (2020) Is Parental Burnout Distinct From Job Burnout and Depressive Symptoms?, Clinical Psychological Science
• Meeussen L., Van Laar C. (2018) Feeling Pressure to Be a Perfect Mother Relates to Parental Burnout and Career Ambitions, Frontiers in Psychology