Palejowe ABC - NEEDS

Once we learn to recognize our emotions and the needs behind them, we can then consider how we can effectively take care of them.

For many people, the first association associated with needs is Maslow's pyramid. Abraham Maslow arranged human needs, starting with physiological needs, through the need for security, belonging, esteem to the need for self-actualization located at the top of the pyramid. This once innovative and important concept has now become somewhat outdated, as it has turned out that needs considered by Maslow to be those of a higher order can also be fulfilled by people when needs from the lower floors of the pyramid have not been satisfied.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Agreement, used to say that every behavior we do serves to satisfy a need, and that human needs are universal, and we differ in what strategies we choose to satisfy them. So both children and adults need the same elements for a satisfying and peaceful life. And this is what unites us humans with each other. What can divide, on the other hand, are the ways by which we want to achieve something. For example, when a parent needs to relax, their preferred strategy may be to sit alone on the couch, preferably with earplugs in. At the same time, the child may also need rest, but he would like to rest while cuddling with the parent and reading or telling stories together. So the needs of both members are the same - rest. The difficulty, however, is how to combine conflicting ways of satisfying a need.

When we think about what need is behind a particular behavior it will be easier for us to understand both ourselves and the child. You want to go home already, because you know you don't have dinner at home, and a hungry child is quick to get upset and scream. He, on the other hand, still wants to play in the sandbox, because at the moment it is play that is most important to him. In addition, he is still too young to understand that if you do not go out now, you will be hungry and irritated. There are many possible solutions to this situation, and which one you choose depends on many factors: your mood, your attitude, what matters most to you at the moment, and even whether or not you are sleepy. After all, you can take a crying child away from the playground and comfort him on the way, assuring him that you will return there after lunch or tomorrow. Or you can suggest to the child to move the play to the house while pointing out that you see him having a great time at the playground and we, too, in a similar situation, would probably find it difficult to go home. And you can also stay at the playground and serve sandwiches when you return, instead of a hot lunch. This, of course, is only part of the possibilities. There are many ways, and none of them is better or worse than the others.

Of course, listening and responding to needs is not a solution that, as if by magic, will make your home forever calm from now on. However, by paying close attention to what is going on in ourselves and in our child, we increase the chances of understanding each other, hearing each other and coming to a solution more calmly. This is because each side feels taken into account and important.

So the next time you feel anger, sadness, disappointment or discouragement, ask yourself what unmet need is crying out to you "notice me, take care of me!". If, on the other hand, there is relief, joy, peace or gratitude in dealing with another person, then also ask yourself what your important need was helped by the situation.

However, it is worth adding that recognizing our needs does not automatically mean that they will be met - sometimes they are, and sometimes they are not. Sometimes our needs require us to take action and some kind of change that we need to make on our own. Other times we need the support and help of other people. We can learn how to express our needs and how to meet them more often. But ultimately, we still have to be ready for the fact that sometimes we have to put our needs aside and deal with them later. This happens most often when we are taking care of a tiny baby or one that requires more effort and commitment from us. However, it is worth remembering that these unmet needs continue to live within us and ask for attention, and when they are constantly pushed aside and overlooked it will contribute to our well-being and quality of life. This is where the strategies needed to fulfill given needs come into play again. For it may turn out that we will have to choose a different way, a different day or different circumstances, but somehow, using other methods and with the help of other people, we will manage to come at least a little closer to having these overlooked, yet important needs met.

If anyone would like to look at their needs, below is a sample list. Of course, it does not include all needs, but it gives an idea of what they are.

LIST OF NEEDS