Palejowe ABC - DON'T PAY

Just as with infants we are able to rise to the heights of patience and accompany the child through his emotions, with slightly older children, tolerance for crying seems to diminish and one can hear from parents as often repeated as ineffective: "Don't cry, nothing happened." And when that doesn't work, the irritated: "Calm down!".

Remaining calm while a child is crying, and from an adult's perspective there is no reason for it, is a challenge that is nevertheless worth taking on. A sympathetic parental attitude toward a child's emotions will pay off and contribute to greater openness and more efficient communication later in family life.

Everyone has the right to cry

Crying is a universal human reaction to stressful and difficult situations. It is not reserved for a particular gender or age. Any of us can cry. Small or big, boy or girl - everyone has the right to do so and needs the accepting presence of another person, not judgment, criticism or threats. Crying is a signal that something important is happening in us under the influence of what we are experiencing. In the case of tiny children who cannot yet speak, crying has a communicative function. Having no other tools or strategies for communicating that they need something, infants let it be known by crying that they are hungry, overheated or in need of a caregiver's closeness.

Excessive stimuli

The cause of prolonged crying is sometimes an excess of stimuli in the baby's environment. A toddler who needs calming is bombarded with sounds, bright lights and smells. When he needs a calm environment to regulate his emotions, he clashes with the incomprehension of well-intentioned adults who rattle toys in front of his eyes, clap over his ear, sing songs or speak in too high a voice.

MIT: Baby cries for no reason

One of the repeated myths about crying is that babies cry for no reason. The reason for crying is always there, however, it can be difficult for us to find it. And the smaller the child, the more frequently and intensely he cries. The more limited the vocabulary and the greater the sense of misunderstanding, the more tears.

Both in the case of infants, who receive the opposite of what they happen to need, so in the case of older children, crying can seem irrational from an adult perspective. In their world, the loss of a beloved toy or an argument with friends is something tragic, and they experience a sense of loss and deep sadness as a result. Even if we, as adults, don't think it's a big deal, we need to show them that these feelings are okay and that they can show them. In this way, children learn to cope with loss, which will undoubtedly come later.

The weight of the problems

For a young man, his problems are big and significant. His life and experiences are his reference point. From an adult perspective they may seem insignificant, but to him they are the most important in the world. Attempts to explain "someday you'll see what a problem is" or "the real problems will only start when you grow up" will not make the child look at difficulties from a different perspective. Rather, they will make him feel ignored and misunderstood, and he will have no desire to share his issues in the future.

Closing in on yourself

When we order children to stop crying, two options arise - either they will explode even more, or they will shut down. The second situation may seem like a success to us - after all, the child has stopped crying. However, his emotions have not disappeared, and his cortisol levels have not decreased. It all continues to bubble up in the young person, and since there is no outlet, it will build up and project onto the child's mood and behavior. By telling children not to cry, we are not teaching them how to master the expression of emotions, but that emotions must be suppressed or ignored and that they are not welcome.

At a later age, a child may cry because they are bored or frustrated with their efforts - toddlers and then preschoolers learn, for example, that the world around them and the people around them have limits and you can't get everything you want or it doesn't happen as quickly as they would like. During this time, in addition to showing the child these boundaries and explaining how the world works, the child also needs reassurance and support in experiencing his emotions.

MIT: the baby is making excuses by crying

Sometimes you may encounter the statement that a child is making excuses by crying, manipulating or trying to get attention. What usually happens is that the child has tried for some time to establish contact with the caregiver through other, more subtle means of communication. He smiles, moves his hands energetically, and at a later age directly asked the parent to play. However, when his requests go unanswered, the child, thirsty for relationship and contact with another human being, begins to cry. He has simply exhausted all the means available and known to him, and there is nothing left but crying. So when the caregiver feels that the child is "forcing" crying, spending more time with the child may be enough. It is also possible to talk frankly with preschoolers and explain to them that if it helps them to cry, then it is okay for them to cry, and if they additionally tell us what happened, then we will be able to help them more effectively and look for a solution together. Such a direct signal of understanding and openness to the child's needs can be a turning point in mutual communication.

On the other hand, in the case of manipulation, it is true that children can manipulate. However, with objects, not with other people. For the latter, a well-developed prefrontal cortex is necessary. In young children it is very immature. Hence the frequent outbursts of anger, crying, and the widespread lack of control over one's impulses - simply put, the prefrontal cortex is unable to inhibit emotional reactions, much less take part in such Machiavellian activities as manipulating another person.

Suppressing emotions

By repeating "don't cry, calm down" to children, we contribute to them suppressing their emotions. In this way, we communicate to them that their experiences are not important and they should not feel what they feel. They stop trusting themselves. They feel inside that something is going on, they want to cry, but the adult, the authority and their guide to life says there is no reason to cry. And since there isn't - the thought "maybe there is something wrong with me?" germinates in their heads. Eventually, however, the emotions and suppressed sadness that have accumulated over a long period of time will activate and spill out. Sometimes at the least expected moment, for a seemingly completely trivial reason.

A happy child is not a child who never cries. Even the happiest ones sometimes cry. What may be more disturbing is that the crying never or very rarely occurs. This may be quite comfortable for caregivers, however, for such a child it can be a heavy burden that will make it difficult for him to express his opinion and needs in the future. If a child gets the label of nice and polite, who never causes trouble, he will not want to disappoint the expectations of his parents, grandparents and significant others. It may be difficult for him to reveal his true emotions because he is required to be cheerful and happy all the time.

What, then, to do to support children and yourself during crying?

When your child is upset, take a moment and be there for them. If you don't know what to say, let him or her know that you're just beside him or her. Hug, stroke his back, hold his hand. It doesn't matter why the baby is crying. It needs your attention and support. If you think the child's reaction was exaggerated or inappropriate to the situation, at first help the child calm down, and only then talk about what happened and how you can act next time. It's also worth remembering that in strong emotions, not everyone likes physical contact. This is perfectly fine. If your child prefers to be alone in a room, allow him to do so. Give him space and time. At the same time, assure him that you are there for him whenever he needs you.

Accompanying your child's emotions does not mean that he will instantly, as if by magic, calm down and start smiling. In this way, you build a bond with him and give a sign that he can trust you at any time, and that you love him whether he is happy or sad. You are letting your child know that you have in you a readiness to be with him also in those more difficult moments, for better or for worse, and that he does not have to earn your love and attention.

Instead of a dry "stop crying," you have an extraordinary opportunity to be your child's teacher in the process of dealing with sadness, anger and anxiety. These emotionally challenging situations give you a chance to show how to calm down - by breathing deeply, hugging someone, talking about a difficult event, seeking a solution, or some other way. Show your child that emotions don't last forever. That they come and go, like waves on the sea - just as they appeared, so they will pass away. And the more support you give your child in this process, the faster they will recover from emotional storms.

In summary, the elements that support a baby when it cries are:

- silence,

- caregiver peace of mind,

- Emotional and/or physical proximity,

- acceptance of feelings,

- time.

Sources of knowledge and inspiration that led to this article:

Bushman B. et.al. (2005), Chewing on it Can Chew You Up: Effects of Rumination on Displaced Aggression, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Hawley P. H. (2015) The Duality of Human Nature: Coercion and Pro-sociality in Youths' Hierarchy Ascension and Social Success, Current Directions in Psychological Science