Palejowe ABC - KNOWLEDGE

John Bowlby described a system of attachment behaviors designed to ensure a child's safety and survival in the world. He included suckling, clinging to the caregiver, smiling and following the parent. These key behaviors also include crying and screaming to summon the caregiver and communicate that some need of the child is unmet. Bolwby observed these behaviors not only in humans, but in mammals in general.

A baby's crying or screaming when left alone in a room or when a caregiver puts it down in a crib is not a calculating behavior to manipulate the environment and "force" things on it. This is simply a purely developmental issue, thanks to which people in general had a chance to survive in more difficult times, because only children who were carefully and attentively cared for by someone were safe. And manipulation and coercion? From the point of view of neuroscience and brain development - they are simply impossible! These are such complex skills that require knowledge, experience and properly developed prefrontal lobes, that in an infant who can't even sit up on his own, it is something unfeasible.

Returning to researcher Mary Ainsworth, however, it is worth mentioning the strangeness procedure she created. Ainsworth and her students studied attachment in the mother-child relationship. Children between the ages of one and two were alternately left with their mother or a stranger. In this way, it was possible to observe how children behaved around a parent, how they behaved around someone unfamiliar, and how they behaved when the caregiver returned. Based on these observations, conclusions were drawn about the existence of three main attachment styles. About two-thirds of the children had a secure style, while the remaining children manifested a non-secure style (avoidant or anxious-ambivalent). In the following years, a disorganized style was added to this classification, which is the rarest, but paid for with great suffering for children - it occurs in toddlers who are exposed to violence and sexual abuse.

Although attachment style is formed primarily in the relationship with the primary caregiver, it turns out that it doesn't have to be the same with all close people. This means that with mom or dad, a child may form a secure bond, while with the other caregiver - grandma, grandpa or another frequently seen person - no longer. Moreover, the formation of attachment is influenced not only by how the caregiver responds and reacts to the child's needs. Equally important is what temperament the child has.

Children who cry a lot, don't sleep through the night for long periods of time, have difficulty eating and require more intensive care than others may be more likely to display an insecure attachment style. Such children, for harmonious development and secure bonding, need a parent who is alert, attentive and responsive to the child's needs, which poses some challenges for the parent, as he or she must be aware enough of his or her resources and limitations to provide care tailored to the child's needs.

In doing so, it is worth remembering - and this is information that brings some relief - that there are no perfect parents, and the key to a child's harmonious development is not to be perfect, but, as Donald Winnicott used to say, good enough. In a relationship with a good enough caregiver, a child grows in the belief that he is important, seen and safe, and that there is someone who cares about him. As a result, he can explore the world around him and learn new skills with greater openness and curiosity. A child who has developed a secure attachment style most often grows into an adult who can build lasting relationships, is not afraid of intimacy, can handle emotions and is characterized by confidence in himself and his abilities.

When something goes wrong and the child does not receive the care he or she needs, because, for example, the parent is withdrawn, lacks support in caring for the child, has difficulties with his or her own mental or physical health, does not know how to support and raise the child, as well as replicates harmful patterns from his or her own family home, an insecure attachment style can develop in the child. It depends on the parents' behavior whether it will be avoidant or anxiety-ambivalent.

It would seem that when an infant is fed and changed, it should not cry. And when it cries, it may be "forcing" to be picked up. Nothing could be further from the truth. The need for emotional security and closeness with a caregiver is just as important as physiological needs. Hugging, rocking, carrying in the arms, and in later stages playing together or spending time together talking are all factors that help healthy development. Children with an avoidant attachment style usually do not cause difficulties for those around them. They are quiet and withdrawn, avoid proximity to other people and are very independent. Such traits can be further reinforced by those around them and interpreted as mature behavior, while the child feels abandoned and his emotions and experiences invalid.

When a parent reacts in ways that are difficult to predict - sometimes avoiding and rejecting the child, while at other times being affectionate and caring - an anxious-ambivalent attachment style can form in the child. The child is accompanied by anxiety and uncertainty. He lacks certainty about how the parent will behave. This sometimes leads to outbursts of anger in the child, as well as insecurity. A child who remains under constant tension may react in ways that seem exaggerated to those around him. Underneath this, however, is suffering and the lack of an adult to teach the child how to regulate his emotions and provide support.

Although we enter adulthood with an already formed attachment style, this does not mean that we are doomed to it for the rest of our lives. In the early days of work on bonding, it was actually believed that once a style was formed it would not change for the rest of one's life. This was a rather pessimistic view of the subject and assumed that someone with a non-secure attachment style would not be able to form satisfying relationships. However, it turns out that we have the ability to modify the way we attach to others.

Creating relationships with people who have a secure attachment style can change the way other people form bonds. Another way is psychotherapy, in which one of the healing factors is the relationship. And even though we didn't have the chance for secure attachment in childhood, and didn't get from our parents what we needed most at that moment, we can now consciously work on this and implement changes in our lives, which will translate not only into romantic relationships, but also, and perhaps especially, those with our own children.