Paly ABC - FAMILY

Such children tend to be more resourceful than their peers, are more likely to take on the role of group leader, are more proficient at distinguishing right from wrong, and can make decisions with fewer risks. In a group, they happen to take on the role of guardian and guide of other children, as they have higher social skills. Many such children in adulthood take up professions of so-called "helpers" - doctors, psychologists, social workers. The other side of the coin, however, may be a complete reluctance to step into such roles or to have offspring of their own. This can be the result of, among other things, a long-term burden of responsibilities beyond the child's capabilities, as well as a desire to break out of the role of caregiver.

Siblings of children with disabilities experience a range of stressors and feelings that can increase the risk of emotional and behavioral problems. Children may feel anger, frustration, and jealousy caused by parents devoting more time and attention to his or her sibling. Typically, too, caring for a disabled or sick child involves costly medical visits and therapies, so parents may lack the resources to satisfy desires or extra activities for healthy children.

Equally as important a behavior as outbursts of anger, crying or refusing to help around the house is withdrawal, meeting all expectations and so-called not causing problems. Although such children are easy to overlook and pin a patch on them as helpful and mature, they may face many emotional difficulties, loneliness, isolation, feelings of misunderstanding and acceptance, but which they do not want to show to the outside world for fear of losing parental attention and appreciation. Such children are well aware of the difficulties their caregivers face on a daily basis and do not want to burden them further with their worries. They hide their anxieties, fears and sadness from the world, not wanting to cause problems.

Although it may not be easy to organize, it is worthwhile to plan time that parents will spend only with their healthy child. This could be going shopping together (even grocery shopping), going to the post office or simply taking a walk around the house. However, it is important to then have the space to listen to the child and what he or she wants to tell us. Often, important and lofty topics need not come up at all during such moments together. However, the most important thing is to spend a moment together, alone, focusing all attention on the child. Then it is worth not asking about such mundane matters as school or kindergarten, and focus more on emotions, interests or dreams.

Healthy siblings may experience a whole range of emotions towards both themselves, their parents and their disabled or sick brother/sister. Some feel guilt and think the whole situation happened because of them. They may feel fear for their sibling's health, but also their own. After all, since the sister or brother is experiencing health difficulties, maybe they themselves will get sick too. Other children may feel ashamed and embarrassed by their siblings' behavior, and this can sometimes lead them to isolate themselves from their peers and avoid inviting friends to their homes. To make it a little easier to adapt to these living conditions and understand the situation, it may be worth explaining to children what their siblings' difficulties are. It may also be worthwhile to bring the child to medical appointments from time to time, so that they can ask questions of the professionals caring for their disabled or sick sibling. Reliable knowledge and information from the parents or health care professionals will help the child put what is going on in their head and not create scary and black scenarios.

Healthy siblings often bear the unspoken burden of expectations of being perfect. Siblings of people with special needs see every day how hard their parents work to ensure that all the family's needs are met. Not wanting to add to their worries or difficulties, they want to be perfect at all times. Such high standards are impossible to meet, thus burdening the young person, adding to their stress and leading them to believe that they are not good enough. Sometimes brothers and sisters think their feelings don't matter to the rest of the family. A child with a disability or chronic illness may require a great deal of parental attention and energy to provide the necessary care. As a result, healthy siblings may feel left out or neglected and see their brother's or sister's needs as more important, which can affect their self-esteem.

As the years pass and parents age, healthy children may worry about their own and their siblings' futures when the parents are gone or the parents no longer have the strength to care for a sick or disabled child.

When observing one's healthy child, one can fall into the trap of downplaying and belittling his or her problems. Struggling with another child's disability or illness, parents may no longer have the resources and attentiveness to the healthy child's difficulties. Typical of a child's development, school or peer problems may be overlooked and underestimated by the parent because, in their eyes, they don't pose as much of a threat or challenge as the sick child's difficulties. This can also lead to parental expectations of the healthy child that this one will always be strong and can cope because he or she is not disabled or ill. For a healthy child, such treatment is associated with great loneliness and despair. It would like to be noticed, appreciated and supported because its issues are important to it. When the parent doesn't consider them important, the child stops believing they are important to the parent.

How a child will perceive a sibling's disability or illness largely depends on how the parents approach the subject. Children absorb and imitate their approach, beliefs, values and ways of dealing with challenges. In order to build a good relationship between siblings, it is worth focusing on giving each child time specifically for them, encouraging but not forcing help, and paying attention to the emotions and needs of all your children.

Sources of knowledge and inspiration that led to this article:

Goudie A., Havercamp S., Jamieson B., Sahr T. (2013) Assessing Functional Impairment in Siblings Living With Children With Disability, Pediatrics

Giallo R., Gavidia-Payne S., Minett B., Kappor A. (2012) Sibling voices: the self-reported mental health of siblings of children with a disability. Clinical Psychologist