Palejowe ABC - LOVE

Surrounded by your warm reassurances I will find the strength to cope. Wrapped in your support, your confidence and faith in me I will fly....

"Don't trample the little wings" by Katarzyna Wnęk-Joniec

Can you grow a rose from an oak seed?

As much as we would try with all our might, we will not succeed in turning one plant into another. We can fertilize with the best fertilizers, provide the right amount of water and light, but still from our seed will grow a tree, not a flower. A caring gardener takes care of the emerging plant as best he can and accepts what it is and what it grows into. It is somewhat similar with love and with children. When a little person is born, we surround him or her with care and tenderness and make sure that he or she grows in warmth and love.

Most parents will admit that they love their children unconditionally. However, upon further reflection, they recall that quite often there are times when they wish the child was different, behaved differently, had different skills and temperament. They want to turn an oak tree into a rose. In good faith, of course - a rose, after all, looks so good, smells beautiful, is colorful, and can be given to someone as a gift. And such an oak tree? How much time and patience does he require to grow into a strong and powerful tree.

Unconditional love is not only what we ourselves feel. It's also what a child feels. And if you were to ask children how much they feel loved by their parents - what would they say? Would their answer be: "My parents love me always the same", or would it be more like "My parents only love me when I deserve it and I live up to their expectations"?

It is not easy to love in such a way that a child feels this love and knows that he is always loved by us. All the more so because many adults find it difficult to love and accept themselves. If we haven't experienced this kind of love ourselves, and if we don't have it for ourselves, it is difficult to bestow it on a child.

Unconditional does not mean unreflective. Nor does it mean so-called "stress-free parenting." Such in fact does not exist, and when we take a closer look at what is hidden under this term, we paradoxically find a lot of stress and tension there.

It is easy to feel love for your children when they are calm, cheerful and behave the way we want them to. However, they need our support and love just as much when they are going through difficult times, crying and screaming. If they then encounter a lack of understanding and shouting on our part, it's no wonder they don't behave better afterwards. When people feel bad, they behave badly. By making children feel bad, we won't make them start behaving in the way we want them to behave more. We can somehow force them to do so, threaten them, take away things that are important to them - however, the change in behavior will occur under the influence of fear and for fear of losing some privileges rather than out of a sincere desire to change.

Children would rather submit to their parents' will than risk losing their love. Such a state, however, is not something we would want for them. Acting in this way risks losing trust, openness and straining the bond between parent and child. Receiving conditional love, children begin to be afraid of making mistakes and discovering their own world from us. They begin to hide things and lie for fear of punishment, judgment and from losing our affection for them.

Our job is to show children the world, to give them direction and paths to follow.

It is our responsibility as adults to keep them safe and show them our boundaries. It is also us who teach them how to show affection, communicate their needs and love. We are responsible for our emotions and how we react under their influence. If we want our children to feel loved by us, it is worth looking at how we show them this love. At what moments? How do we behave toward them when we are not satisfied with their behavior? Do these methods serve us, our children and our relationship with each other? If we want children to take our opinions into account and reciprocate our feelings, let's not withdraw our love when it's difficult for them. That is when they need it the most. So do we, when we experience difficult times.

Books to read together:
"Love," Astrid Desbordes
"Once upon a time," Alison McGhee
"And the rabbit listened," Cori Doerrfeld

For parents:
"Don't trample the little wings," by Katarzyna Wnęk-Joniec
"Not for love," by Jesper Juul